We’ve all been there. Big sites with lots of different themes, inexplicable maps and  incomprehensible signage, over-priced and unsatisfying food and drink, questionable value for money and an experience which doesn’t quite match up to the adverts.

There are plenty of rollercoaster thrills plus exciting entertainment and immersive storytelling but also lots of people dressed up strangely and a general feeling that there must be a bigger picture here but you can’t work out what the narrative is. Nor are you able to escape the series of unexplained rules about what you can and cannot do, or avoid noticing the lost groups herding together for comfort in the rain.

There might be plenty of magical happenings, buildings that look like Hogwarts, dinosaurs from a different era and people in fancy suits claiming to be transformers but there will also be lots of unhappy customers, a great deal of queuing and some major issues with car parking meaning you can’t find a space anywhere near your destination.

So much for universities.

But many of you may have also been to a theme park which offers similar kind of experience. Following the big announcement recently about the exciting new Universal resort and theme park in Bedford everyone in UK higher education has been looking to get on the bandwagon.

Fortunately within hours of the announcement we were privileged to see full forensic analysis from the sector’s foremost data guru, David Kernohan, over on Wonkhe. He has provided an extremely helpful visualisation enabling you to map the distance between just about every UK higher education provider and one of a dozen top theme parks around the country. 

DK has, for reasons known only to himself, been a little sketchy in some of his commentary on the critical data he has presented. I therefore wanted to take this opportunity, drawing on the excellent work he has already undertaken and adding a few extra flourishes, to present a definitive ranking of the proximity of universities to some of the country’s top theme parks. 

Note that although the original work lists all registered campuses and any institution offering higher education including on a franchised basis the only institutions allowed here are big universities I’ve heard of and in each case it is the principal campus only which counts, not some smaller off-shoot.

1  Royal Holloway, University of London – with Thorpe Park a mere 2.6 miles away and Legoland Windsor just 4.5 miles down the road, Royal Holloway is the undisputed champion here. This follows hot on the heels of the university’s triumph in the quadrangle league table.

2  Kingston University  is just 3.8 miles from Chessington World of Adventures

3  Southampton University is within striking distance of Paultons Park, Home of Peppa Pig World, which is only 6.9 miles away. 

4 Cardiff Metropolitan University is a short 7 mile trip from Barry Island Pleasure Park

5 Strathclyde University is only 9 miles away from M&D’s – Scotland’s Theme park

6 Aston University, despite its central Birmingham location, is just under 12 miles from the excitement of Drayton Manor

7 The University of Staffordshire campus is undoubtedly the closest to Alton Towers at just over 12 miles from downtown Stoke to the theme park.

8 University of Lancashire, freshly retitled, can celebrate its new branding at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, a mere 14.4 miles down the road.

9 The University of Kent and Canterbury Christchurch University are, delightfully,  equidistant from the lovely Dreamland in Margate, just 14.5 miles distant.

10 Loughborough University is only 17.9 miles away from all the fun of Twin Lakes (just edging out both the University of Nottingham and Leicester University).

And just outside the Top 10 we find York St John University a slightly more remote 20 or so miles away from Flamingo Land and Leeds Trinity University which is over 23 miles distant from Lightwater Valley.

So, there you have it, all crystal clear I trust. We will of course return to the ranking once the new Universal theme park and resort opens and we are compelled to include it in the list. Great news awaits Cranfield University in the next ranking in 2031 therefore.

(There are other theme parks around but they aren’t in the top 10 so that’s life I’m afraid.)

Thank you again to David Kernohan for doing the really hard work on this and apologies for abusing his data.