An all new league table of the most pointless higher ed rankings around

According to this recent story in The Times, universities can expect there will be new league tables and naming and shaming:

A Whitehall source said the league tables would “name and shame” those universities that failed to deliver for students.

The source said: “A hard rain is going to fall on universities that continue to be so blasé about executive pay increases while letting down students. This government is determined to deliver greater value for money and better prospects for graduates as part of its plan for change.

DK on Wonkhe has published a handy chart demonstrating the exceptional utility that such a league table would provide.

And as newspaper headlines over the past few years demonstrate there is a need to keep on naming and shaming until every Vice-Chancellor has featured in a tabloid headline. It’s done wonders for university finances as the current position clearly demonstrates.

So, if we accept, and why wouldn’t you, that the all new bumper pay packages and poor student outcome league table is the undisputed number one in our all new ranking of pointless higher ed rankings, who else is in the running?

The New Pointless Top 10

Just outside the top 10 we have the very popular Giant University Deckchair ranking and the UK HE Apiculture Ranking plus the vital universities and theme parks league table.

There have in the past also been league tables linking universities with the largest number of nearby Greggs and Wetherspoon offerings plus one ambitious ranking of universities by the quality of their coffee. We need more of this kind of thing. But in the meantime let’s look at the top 10 of the most pointless higher ed rankings of UK universities there are.

10 Cool Universities Ranking. this is a league table of universities based on how cool,hip and happening they are. It’s fair to say there is a lot of bunching in the bottom 95%

In at 9, we have this vital ranking of the best UK university quadrangles.

As if by magic, appearing at 8 there is a completely made up league table of universities which have produced most science fiction and fantasy authors (commonly known as the Tolkein table)

Speeding up to 7th place there is the very popular UK University Motorway Services Ranking.

Going quackers at number 6 we have the evergreen ranking of campus waterfowl numbers – many will remember the duck density league from many years ago and this will be a welcome update.

Self-generated nonsense at 5 is is this largely but not wholly implausible ranking of the most impressive claims about use of AI in HE.

In another semi-contemporary twist this league table at number 4 in the chart offers a definitive list of universities with most alumni who have appeared on Love Island.

Digging deep at 3 is this essential ranking of Best University Tunnels.

Absurdly overhyped at number 2 in this truly pointless of rankings is the ranking of universities which have produced the most influential/wealthiest TikTok and YouTube influencers. It doesn’t get more pointless than that. Or does it?

And of course at number 1, we have the most pointless of them all, the ranking freshly announced in The Times by that Whitehall source, it’s the VC Pay and Student Outcomes ranking.

I for one cannot wait to see all of these. So, while we are waiting for those which for some reason are yet to appear, we will just have to muse further on how pointless all of this is.

So, in summary, here is the Top 10:

And the next 10…